Using 'I-statements'

Written for the Principle Focus section - Newsletter 1 See also, Principle 5 of Effective Communication:
That we speak only for ourselves and speak in the 'I'.

When we state something as a fact that is really just our subjective viewpoint it can have the following impacts upon ourselves and others:

1. It can alienate people from us because their experience may not be the same as ours. Of course, people will always have different opinions about things, but when someone states theirs as if it is a fact, this can lead others to see them as rigid in their view of the world or not someone they want to engage with.

For example: If I say:

Working in this place is impossible, no-one pulls their finger out and the company is going down the pan.

...others may not have such a dim view of the company and may feel quite offended that I should make such a statement.

They may feel it necessary to defend the company, or themselves, or even to 'attack back' and make some statements about me that they also see as being factual!

Such a situation will often lead to a disconnection and distancing between all involved as it generates a win/lose dynamic regarding the respective views they hold. Someone must be 'right' if the views are portrayed as facts! And so, someone must be wrong - and it ain't gonna be me!

If, instead I were to use 'I' statements, I could say it this way:

I find it really difficult working here, I think that some things don't get done that need to be done and I'm worried about the future of the organisation.

I'm not suggesting this as a 'script' as I think it often sounds very false to use suggested wordings from others. My aim is just to present an alternative using 'I' statements. You may be able to create a different one and quite possibly a better one. By looking at a statement made in this way we can look at the consequences for future communication and for resolving conflict.

Using an 'I' statement acknowledges that the viewpoint is our own and not necessarily a fact about the situation.

My 'difficulty working here' could be down to my own present shortcomings and so to identify the difficulty can lead to identification of a corresponding training need I have, or a present lack of experience that only time will allow me to gain. Or it may lead to identification of circumstances that affect my ability to work that can be influenced and improved by others.

The point is we can review the situation in order to try to improve it rather than see the problem as a permanent 'fact' about the company, inextricably linked to other 'facts' about the people within it.

Also, in using the 'I'-statement, I am not alienating others, nor am I introducing an interpersonal conflict to the already difficult situation. I am accepting ownership of my experience and acknowledging that it may not be one that is shared by others.

This connects quite strongly with the next aspect of using I statements.....

2. When we state something about a situation as a fact rather than acknowledge it as our own experience, it implies we are powerless to have any influence over our responses to the situation. This is a common way in which conflicts become entrenched and, seemingly, irresolvable. Again, the situation reduces to a win/lose dynamic where if one person's fact is right then the other's must be wrong.

Alternatives to the above using 'I' statements could be (and again you may have others):

All of these allow for a review of our own responses to the situation that exists. If I feel intimidated when my boss is around, what is it that he does that I respond to in that way? Why do I respond in that way? How could I respond in a way that would feel less diminishing of myself?

Similar explorations of all of the 'I' statements can follow on from them. All of them allow a self-exploration of our own experience and the possibility of creating new responses to the situations.

The point is that using 'I' statements allows for the possibility of exploration, creativity and change in response to the situation.

When the situations are described as 'facts' this implies they are fixed and unchangeable.