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You statement masked in I feel

How could the statement "I feel you don't understand...." be restated? I think this statement is often used to express a thought and results in blame and defensiveness on the receivers part because it's saying the other person is wrong for not understanding.

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Jan 25, 2017
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Thoughts /Feelings
by: Alan

Hi John

Thanks for the comment.

I prefer your first statement ....'how does that feel?'......to '.....do you feel sad/hurt/angry?' as the latter includes your own suggestions for how they feel while the first statement allows the person to create their own 'label' for their feeling and so are speaking for themselves rather than constrained to the options proposed for them.

Best wishes and thanks again

Alan

Jan 24, 2017
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Thoughts/Feelings
by: John

I do think it is important to distinguish between thoughts and feelings. But probably most important that we can do so for ourselves rather than to educate others (unless they express an interest.) An excellent book to help with this is "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall Rosenberg.

I tend to translate for myself when someone confuses thoughts and feelings. In my reflection of another's statement "I feel that person was rude to me". I might say "When you think someone is being rude to you how does that feel"? Or better yet "When you think someone is being rude to you do you feel (make a guess) sad, hurt, angry"?

Sep 09, 2016
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You-statements/I-statements
by: Alan

Hi tblock

Thanks for your comment!

You're right in that it could be interpreted that way but strictly the person is still simply stating and 'owning' their view - that something in what the other person is saying or doing suggests to them that they don't understand. A question such as 'Why do you feel that way?' or 'What leads you to say that?' to the person saying it allows for the possibility of the discussion 'opening up' to find out a bit more detail about the reasons for them saying it and for seeing it that way. It would certainly be better to state it that way than the more abrupt statement 'You don't understand' as that would be speaking for the person rather than speaking from their own perspective and suggests it's a 'fact' that they don't understand rather than just an opinion based on their experience so far. I think the latter 'you' statement would be even more likely to lead to a sense of blame and defensiveness and, because it's stated as a 'fact' suggests there is little hope for continuation.

No response is 'perfect' as it will always depend on how it is received, but the risks of a you statement given as a 'fact' will be fewer than those that come with an 'i-statement' that acknowledges it is just a view point and is subjective rather than an objective reality. One shuts the door on further discussion, one keeps it ajar at least.

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