Principle 1:
That we treat each other with respect

When I talk about respect in relation to this Principle I don’t mean the fear based subservience that can occur towards people with power or money or status, I mean the personal, open hearted consideration of another human as being of equal worth to ourselves, whoever they are, whatever they have done – and this also means not considering them to be ‘better’ than us – that’s back to the other form of 'respect' again. 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, 

Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much 

If - Rudyard Kipling

This is a particularly challenging Principle when we are in dispute with someone as we may actively dislike or even ‘hate’ them. But if we need to have some form of communication with them then it is important that we treat that person with respect even if our feelings towards them are anything but respectful. 

Some may worry that this is being ‘two faced’ as if, when we don’t like someone because of a conflict we have with them, the only way we should treat them is disrespectfully. 

I guess this depends on whether we want to resolve the conflict with them or escalate it. 

This is not about denying our feelings. We can tell someone how we feel about them or something they’ve done without being abusive. 

The point is, do we want to make the most effective response to a conflict? 

Do we want to act in ways that are least harmful and least wearing on ourselves, as well as most effective in moving towards resolution? 

Treating someone disrespectfully leads to an escalating series of destructive responses in all their various forms. 

Unfortunately, the approach taken by many of our Governments is to speak ill of leaders of other countries. Consider the criticisms and 'demonisations' that occur between USA and Iran, UK and Zimbabwe, the frequent demonising of China as I write this. (August 2008). 

This is the kind of action I'm referring to with this Principle. It is difficult to see how such words can ever be constructive in seeking resolution of the differences between representatives of our countries. They are based on the competition approach  to conflict which never resolves any situation. It only escalates it. There is an assumption of moral 'rightness' when this is always subjective. 

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A Guide to Effective Communication for Conflict Resolution introduces the 9 Principles that are also described on this site to help the reader develop a 'mindfulness' in relation to their communication in a way that supports the resolution of conflict. In this book

Alan shares his observations and learnings from working as a Mediator and Conflict Coach with regard to the ways that people become stuck in unresolved conflict but also how they go on to create more effective ways forward in their difficult situations. 

"I think you put together so well all the essential components of
conflict transformation in a way which people can relate to and
understand. A brilliant book and I will recommend it to everyone." Jo Berry  www.buildingbridgesforpeace.org

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Treating others with respect is in our own interest and long-term benefit

But this approach is practiced by most of us in relation to our disputes with others. We're not doing anything that most people wouldn't do - but can we acknowledge it and start to consciously try to communicate and act towards the other person more respectfully - because it is in both of our interests to do so, and quite possibly in the interests of others affected by our dispute. 

For example, in a divorce, it may be that there is a lot of ill feeling between partners over the events of their marriage break up, but nevertheless, for the benefit of any children or for other purposes there may be a need to continue communication with each other. 

In such situations Effective Communication is hindered if either party acts in a way which is not treating the other with respect. 

This is not to deny that there may be such strong feelings associated with a situation or a person that it is almost impossible to want to even try to treat someone with respect. 

It may be that a spouse feels betrayed by the other’s infidelity that led to the break up and eventual divorce. 

But if the welfare of children from the marriage is to be most effectively provided for there is a need to try to find a way of treating the spouse with respect when communicating about their welfare, even if outside of this issue it proves difficult. 

Not practising this Principle of Effective Communication can mean that destructive responses permeate all dealings regarding the divorce and the children suffer the consequences where this may be avoidable and dealt with more constructively. 

Treating someone with respect for purposes of communication over an important issue does not mean that we have to like them. But it does mean that the circumstances that caused our ‘falling out’ are unlikely to get worse. 

I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it. I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one even at the cost of your life. - Mahatma Ghandi

Alan Sharland, author of this website, is Director of CAOS Conflict Management which has a blog CAOTICA - click the banner below to visit the blog and sign up for its newsletter: